About Me, The Family That...

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: What Really Matters

So, this is my Sunday Tuesday stream of consciousness post.  You’ll forgive me when you read what happened and know that I also spent most of Monday with Mom.  Sometimes when you are at your wits’ end the universe shows you what really matters –

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Sunday, I was in a foul mood.  It started when my Mom called to get help with her computer problems.  She was talking to my husband and I kind of lost it.  I realized how much both of them frustrate me at times.  One tech head.  One helpless adult.  I started creating some chaos, which wasn’t cool as my husband was on the phone.  But, hey, whatever, I was irked.  I finally left the room and went into the bedroom where I started crying.  Not just any crying – huddled up on the floor hiding between the bed and the wall in the fetal position crying.  I wasn’t even sure why I was crying just that something was going on in my head and my world.  Maybe it’s because my Mom – who never really seemed to care – likes my husband better than she likes me sometimes.  Or maybe it’s because I can’t get him to say a word to me half the time, but he can talk with no problem to my Mom.

I had to go to a meeting for another short film I’m hoping to work on, so I decided to leave after I stopped crying.  I wanted to get out of the situation and not cause any more trouble or have the situation devolve.  I had the meeting for the movie then came back home feeling better, and I was glad that I had decided to ignore whatever crap was brewing in my head.

Later that night, we went to a concert with some friends.  On the way home, I got a call from my Sister that Mom was in the hospital.  She had felt like she couldn’t breath and had pain going up into her jaw on the left side – all signs that she may be having a heart attack.  I got through to her room – her cell phone had died – even though the nurse was a bit resistant to put through the call and found out she was admitted overnight.  The tests did rule out a heart attack, but something was going on.  We had talked to her again right before the concert about another tech issue.  My Sister told me it happened a little after that and Mom had instructed my Sister not to call me until after the concert.  Only my Mom would have an almost heart attack and not want to bother me in a concert.

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#SOCsunday

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post at All Things Fadra.
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About Me, The Family That...

Midlife Moment

Have I reached THAT stage in life?  Oh, jeez.  This is SO embarrassing.

That stage that as a child you would never in a million, trillion years envision as pure and malevolent torture: middle-aged, thirty-something, midlife.

Midlife – as in midlife crisis – one of which I may be having now. I’m fighting a barely restrained desire to buy an expensive, red, flamboyant sports car or a one-way ticket to Fiji.

Today, wandering listlessly and hopelessly around my house (after a huge bout of marital strife), my mind flashes back to a moment from when I was eighteen. Sitting and chatting with my boyfriend during one of those late night talks we discussed our future hopes and dreams. I wasn’t sure what exactly my future would hold, yet I KNEW I was destined for great things. I declared it loud and proud sure the universe would provide.

Nowadays, I find it hard to declare my favorite color loud and proud. Every way I turn I feel the sharp daggers of doubt, of fear, of lack of self-confidence, of debilitating uncertainty, and soul-draining confusion.

Something unidentified hurts: a deep, dark and deadly hurt that hinders my joy.

Do I seek a career? Children? Fame? Fortune? Happiness? Money? God?

Is the answer to life, the universe and everything really 42?

I envy the burning phoenix rising. I envy its easy path. How it shucks the daily chores, marital strife, family ties, and money worries and rises above.

For now, I’ll be Scarlett and think about it tomorrow….tomorrow…

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