Have I reached THAT stage in life? Oh, jeez. This is SO embarrassing.
That stage that as a child you would never in a million, trillion years envision as pure and malevolent torture: middle-aged, thirty-something, midlife.
Midlife – as in midlife crisis – one of which I may be having now. I’m fighting a barely restrained desire to buy an expensive, red, flamboyant sports car or a one-way ticket to Fiji.
Today, wandering listlessly and hopelessly around my house (after a huge bout of marital strife), my mind flashes back to a moment from when I was eighteen. Sitting and chatting with my boyfriend during one of those late night talks we discussed our future hopes and dreams. I wasn’t sure what exactly my future would hold, yet I KNEW I was destined for great things. I declared it loud and proud sure the universe would provide.
Nowadays, I find it hard to declare my favorite color loud and proud. Every way I turn I feel the sharp daggers of doubt, of fear, of lack of self-confidence, of debilitating uncertainty, and soul-draining confusion.
Something unidentified hurts: a deep, dark and deadly hurt that hinders my joy.
Do I seek a career? Children? Fame? Fortune? Happiness? Money? God?
Is the answer to life, the universe and everything really 42?
I envy the burning phoenix rising. I envy its easy path. How it shucks the daily chores, marital strife, family ties, and money worries and rises above.
For now, I’ll be Scarlett and think about it tomorrow….tomorrow…