About Me, The Family That...

Midlife Moment

Have I reached THAT stage in life?  Oh, jeez.  This is SO embarrassing.

That stage that as a child you would never in a million, trillion years envision as pure and malevolent torture: middle-aged, thirty-something, midlife.

Midlife – as in midlife crisis – one of which I may be having now. I’m fighting a barely restrained desire to buy an expensive, red, flamboyant sports car or a one-way ticket to Fiji.

Today, wandering listlessly and hopelessly around my house (after a huge bout of marital strife), my mind flashes back to a moment from when I was eighteen. Sitting and chatting with my boyfriend during one of those late night talks we discussed our future hopes and dreams. I wasn’t sure what exactly my future would hold, yet I KNEW I was destined for great things. I declared it loud and proud sure the universe would provide.

Nowadays, I find it hard to declare my favorite color loud and proud. Every way I turn I feel the sharp daggers of doubt, of fear, of lack of self-confidence, of debilitating uncertainty, and soul-draining confusion.

Something unidentified hurts: a deep, dark and deadly hurt that hinders my joy.

Do I seek a career? Children? Fame? Fortune? Happiness? Money? God?

Is the answer to life, the universe and everything really 42?

I envy the burning phoenix rising. I envy its easy path. How it shucks the daily chores, marital strife, family ties, and money worries and rises above.

For now, I’ll be Scarlett and think about it tomorrow….tomorrow…

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